Mirthless
by spookycc
Summary: Postep for Smile. Set the day after THAT comment by Eames.
1. Chapter 1

**Mirthless **

by spookycc

Rated T to be safe, just for language. I am not a shipper, that's not where this is headed.

I know almost everyone was affected by THAT scene in "Smile". I was no exception. The result is my therapy, below...

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone. If I did, someone would have bit-slapped Eames after her "it's too late" comment. ;-P

_Why'd you go and break what's already broken?  
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking.  
How long till this goes away?  
I try to remember to forget you,  
But I break down every time I do  
from "How Long" by Hinder_

Captain Danny Ross leaned his hip against his desk, puzzled. In a less serious situation, he might even have smiled.

His most brilliant - and labor-intensive - detective stood with him in his office, the door closed behind them. Robert Goren, this bear of a man, normally confident and maybe even cocky, shifted his weight from one leg to the other like a nervous schoolboy.

"What is it, detective?" Ross asked.

Goren looked uncharacteristically unsure of himself. "I, uh... I'd like to request a new partner, sir."

You could have knocked Ross over with a feather. If he'd ever suspected that one of his best team would ask for a new partner, he would have guessed it would be Eames, not Goren. In fact, he'd read the letter that Eames had written, about seven years before, requesting a new partner. He knew that she'd retracted it, shortly after it was written, deciding to stay with the unpredictable Goren.

"This is unexpected, to say the least, Detective," Ross pursued. "Do you care to tell me why you want a new partner?"

Goren's brown eyes radiated sadness, and he lowered his head, feeling he was revealing too much to the captain. Ross had treated him with at least a modicum of respect lately, but they certainly weren't close.

"I... uh... I think that Detective Eames will have a better chance to... at career advancement if she's partnered with someone else."

"Ah," the lights went on for Ross. "This is about Eames, not you."

"No... Yes... It's about both of us, sir." Goren was looking _more_ uncomfortable by the minute, if that was possible.

"Do you need some time off? Do you want to think this over?"

Goren nodded, then tilted his head, just a bit. "I could use some time off, sir. But there's nothing... I don't need to think anything over."

Whatever the situation, Ross decided, Goren didn't think this was really _his_ choice to make. He wondered again what had transpired between the partners.

"Alright, Detective. I'll draw up the forms. But I want you to wait a few days before you sign them. OK?"

Goren looked back down at the floor. "I'll wait... I just... whatever you think is best."

"If you need to talk..." Ross knew that Goren wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him about something that was clearly this personal, but he felt he had needed to put the offer out there, just in case.

"Yeah, if I need to..." Goren muttered.

"Finish your two weeks' family leave, whatever you need, Detective."

Goren nodded, and lumbered sadly out of Ross' office.

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Eames came into work the next morning, feeling like hell. She hadn't slept worth a damn. Her partner's expression after their arrest of Leslie LeZard kept weaving its way into her dreams. She felt guilty, and she knew they needed to talk.

She hadn't been a chance to speak to him yesterday. Goren hadn't even ridden back to 1PP with her, he'd caught a ride in one of the blue and whites...

Eames was not totally surprised that Goren wasn't already at his desk. And the cup of coffee he would frequently leave on her desk was conspicuously absent, as well.

Eames hung up her soft leather jacket, and sat down, going through one of the piles of paperwork she'd left on her desk the previous day. That wasn't like her, but she was so tired, all she'd thought about was getting home. She was more tired today...

Ross' voice jarred her back to reality. "Eames! Can you come in here, please?"

Eames sighed. What now? She made her way to Ross' office, and the captain closed the door quietly behind her, after she was inside.

"How did the booking of Leslie LeZard go last night? Any problems?" Ross asked.

"No, nothing." Eames wondered at Ross' question. It was just a run-of-the-mill arrest - what could have gone wrong?

"Sit down, Eames," Ross motioned to the chair that faced his desk, and sat on the corner of the desk.

"That's alright, sir, I'll stand." Eames was more than a little uncomfortable at not knowing where this was going.

Ross didn't keep her guessing long. "Did something happen between you and your partner yesterday?"

Eames' heartbeat sped up, just a bit. "Why? Is something wrong with him, sir?"

"Physically? No, he's fine."

Eames nodded, relieved and worried at the same time.

"Well? Yesterday?" Ross pushed gently.

"Our suspect got a little mouthy to Bobby, and _about_ him, before we brought her in."

"And?" Ross knew Eames as someone who always stood up for her partner, so he wasn't sure what had happened to upset Goren.

Eames sighed. "And... I wasn't very tactful in handling Bobby's concern."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"Did Bobby talk to you last night?" Eames answered with a question.

Ross nodded. "He did. But he didn't tell me the whole story. I'm sure you're aware that your partner and I don't exactly share a sparkling rapport."

Eames sighed. "Our suspect said she'd done some research on Bobby, and she intimated that Bobby will never make senior partner..."

"He doesn't really care about that, does he?" Ross inquired.

"No.. no, he doesn't." Eames took a deep breath and continued. "She also said that I'll never make Captain, because of Bobby... and that my career as a police officer is tainted by our partnership..."

"Ah, that fills in some of the blanks," Ross stated simply.

"What blanks?"

Ross hesitated, knowing that Eames wasn't ready for the information he was about to impart to her.

"Uh... Detective Goren met with me last night..." he began.

"And?" her heart-rate increased again.

"Eames, he asked for a new partner."

She sat down in the desk chair, hard. "He **what**?"

Ross didn't repeat himself. She'd heard him, she just didn't believe it. "From what I gathered, he feels that he's holding you back, that you can advance in the department if you're not partnered with him."

Eames looked down at the floor and then back up at Ross. She swiped angrily at one eye, and waves of guilt washed over her.

"It's my fault, Captain," she confessed. "Bobby needed to know that our partnership was more important to me than the captain's chair."

"And?" Ross pushed, a little.

"That's not what I told him," Eames sighed.

"Well... you'd make a fine captain, Eames, although I'm not planning to step down anytime soon."

"I don't think I _want_ to be Captain," Eames scratched the side of her nose with her hand. It was a gesture Ross had seen before, and understood. "I've never felt more full and complete as a detective - as a **cop** - than I do working with Bobby."

Ross stood beside her chair. "He hasn't signed the papers yet, Eames. Talk to him."

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When Eames went back to her desk, there was a small wrapped box on it, with an envelope taped to the top.

She looked toward the elevator, knowing in her heart that the box was probably from Goren. But he wasn't in the squad room. And her looks toward the other detectives only drew confused expressions from them.

Eames grabbed the little box, and her coat, and took them down to the garage, to their SUV. Once inside, she laid her coat aside, and held the box gently in her hand. She pulled the envelope off the box and opened it. Inside was a note, written on plain paper, neatly folded.

_Eames_

_I should have realized that since you come from a family of cops, advancement would be important to you. I'm sorry I've proven to be a stumbling block in your achieving that goal. _

_I had no idea that you felt tainted by our partnership, and I feel selfish not to have noticed your feelings. For my part, I am only grateful for the years we served together. They were the most rewarding in my career - and in my life. _

_How many times have I pushed you away? I feel badly about that, too, but at least this time, it's for your own good. _

_Bobby_

Tears slipped easily from Eames eyes. She wiped them away, and then opened the box.

Inside, there was a Santa mug. Just like the one that used to grace her desk.

fini?


	2. Chapter 2

Mirthless -- Chapter 2

by spookycc

Wow! Thanks for all the feedback! I figured I'd better get on with this. ;-)

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this fic. And Eames is still in my dogghouse. ;-P

A/N: Locations outside of 1PP may only be "official" in the world of fanfic, not the TV world of LOCI.

_Now that it's all said and done,  
I can't believe you were the one  
To build me up and tear me down,  
Like an old abandoned house.  
What you said when you left  
Just left me cold and out of breath... _

from "Over You" by Daughtry 

**1PP Garage**

Eames sat alone in their SUV, using the tinted windows to keep the outside world at bay, and to keep her own misery inside, where no one could see it.

As her tears subsided, she grew determined not to let her comment split she and Goren up. She couldn't even imagine what her life would be like without him as a part of it. She didn't _want_ to imagine her life without him.

Eames gently laid the mug back in its little box, and held it, with Goren's note, as she got out, and clicked the remote to lock up the SUV. She walked to her own vehicle, head down, lost in thought. She had to find him. Had to talk to him. Had to explain what she had meant, what he had taken so horribly wrong...

She tried Goren's cell first, and it went straight to voice mail. Not knowing how to begin saying what she wanted to say, she left a brief message asking him to call her. Then she tried his land-line. Four rings, then the machine picked up. She left the same message there. She didn't really expect him to return her call, but she had to try...

She drove from 1PP to Goren's apartment in the Bronx without even noticing the traffic, the horns blaring, the little herds of brave - or foolhardy - pedestrians crossing right before the lights changed.

She pulled up outside his apartment - there was no truck parked in front, no lights on inside. Eames knew he sat without the lights on sometimes, to clear his head, or when he couldn't sleep. But his truck would be here...

Her next stop was Lewis' garage, and she had the same luck - or lack of it - there. Lewis didn't answer the door, and when she rang his phone, she only got his machine, too.

Eames sat outside Lewis' place for a few minutes, trying to decide where to look next.

Goren wasn't a man with a lot of friends. Truth be told, not many people really understood him. Eames sighed. Maybe she didn't understand him as well as she thought she did, either.

With more than a little hesitation, Eames drove next to the cemetery where Bobby's mother was buried. She had come by, alone, in the evening after the funeral, and had found her partner seated on a bench near his mother's tombstone. His head had rested in his hands, and she thought he must be crying.

But he hadn't been crying, although his eyes had radiated intense sadness. He was just sitting. Almost like he was dead, too. Eames knew she wasn't privy to everything that had happened between Goren and Mark Ford Brady, but her partner had been even more dark and brooding than usual, after their meetings. And then, when his mother had passed away, it was as though a little more of him was closed off to her...

Eames drove slowly through the cemetery on the drive-around "path". The place was deserted. She shivered. It _felt_ like death. She parked near the Goren family plot, and got out.

The flowers in the little metal vase on his mother's grave were fresh. Bobby _had_ been here recently. Eames knew that Frank would never have the time or money or inclination to put fresh flowers on their mother's grave...

Where else would Goren be?

Eames bit her lip, and got back into her car. If Bobby was trying to reconnect with his mother...

She drove north...

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**Carmel Ridge Facility**

**Upstate New York**

Eames guided her car slowly into the parking lot of the Carmel Ridge Mental Facility. She'd been here several times, dropping Bobby off and waiting while he visited his mother. She'd gone inside with him once... it hadn't gone well. His mother had been having a bad day - she barely recognized her son, and she did not acknowledge Eames at all...

It was late, and only the night shift's staff cars were in the lot. And Goren's truck. Eames pulled into a space near his, and turned her lights off. In the pale florescent halo that hung over his vehicle, she saw that he was leaning forward, with his head resting on the truck's steering wheel.

Eames waited purposefully, giving her partner a chance to collect himself, before she would interrupt him. He was fiercely protective of his personal space, and although he sometimes let her in, she was not sure, not anymore...

After a few minutes, spent glancing at Goren's truck and then back at his note in her hands, Eames realized she hadn't seen him move at all. Panic ripped through her heart, and she flung open her car door and ran to his truck. What if he'd-

She tapped on his window, and Goren raised his head swiftly, as though she had awakened him. But his eyes were not sleepy. They were red. His cheeks were tear-stained. He leaned back and let his head hang low, hiding his face from her, but he hit the power lock button.

Eames went around to the passenger side, her pulse gradually slowing down. She opened the door and grabbed the armrest, pulling herself up onto the seat.

Goren said nothing. If there was to be conversation, Eames knew she would have to start it. Her partner was not a very "open" man, especially not when he was hurting.

"Bobby..."

He didn't answer. But he did turn his head, ever so slowly, until his eyes met hers. The pain reflected in them ripped at Eames' heart, since she felt she had caused it...

"I didn't mean..." she began.

"No... I... it's ok," Goren shook his head slowly.

"No, it's NOT OK," Eames said. "I'm sorry, Bobby, I didn't mean what I said. I mean, I don't think I made myself clear."

"You were... it **was** clear..." Goren paused. "You don't have to - your career is important to you. You shouldn't have to put that on hold because of me."

"Bobby..."

" Eames, I know you didn't ask to be partnered with me. You got stuck with the 'whack job'."

"Bobby, no." Eames was tearing up, and she needed to make him understand before she lost it. "They only call you a 'whack job' because they don't understand you."

Goren looked into her face. She met his gaze head-on.

"I had career aspirations, once," she continued. "But that was a long time ago."

"And... now?" he queried. "It's too... It's too late?"

Eames sighed. "I didn't mean that the way it came out, Bobby. I meant that I don't have any pressing career objectives.. not anymore."

"But how can you - why would you want to stay right where you are?"

"Do **you** want to make captain someday?" Eames asked.

Goren snorted. "No, but-"

Eames pushed on. "I've seen what it's like at the top, Bobby. It's political. It's back-stabbing and glad-handing."

Goren sighed, a heavy and sad sound that fit with the "bear" he looked like of late. "It's not just that, Eames."

"What?"

"It's not _just_ about your career. I - it's about you. You're better off without me." Goren's voice was sad and low.

"What do you mean?"

"When Jo Gage... if DeClan Gage hadn't been my mentor, you wouldn't have been put in harm's way. Hell, I'm toxic, Eames..."

"Danger comes with our job, Bobby. I don't hold you responsible for what Jo did."

"No... but..." Goren paused.

"You blame yourself." Eames said gently.

"You shouldn't have to put up with my bullshit," Goren stated simply.

Eames inched closer to her partner. "I've tried to get through to you," she told him, "to help you..."

"And I pushed you away." Goren nodded. "I'm sorry... I can't... I don't want you to have to worry about me."

"I worried **more** when you shut me out, Bobby," Eames said, quietly.

Goren lifted his head and looked into his partner's eyes. He'd been desperate for her **not** to get too involved with his problems and his concerns. It had never occurred to him that he'd made it harder for her by closing himself off. "I'm sorry..."

"And I'm sorry I mis-spoke, after what Leslie said about you "tainting" my career, Bobby. You know I didn't mean it that way."

Goren nodded. "After I lost my mom... I just... I can't lose you too, Eames."

Eames laid her hand on his arm, grateful that he didn't jerk it away, as once he might have. "You haven't lost me, Bobby. I'm not going anywhere in the department - because I don't **want** to go anywhere else."

Goren looked almost surprised. He'd worked himself into such a depressed state, by interpreting what she'd said in the worst way it _could_ have been interpreted...

"You know," Eames said gently. "You're a brilliant detective, Bobby. But sometimes you don't see what's right in front of you."

Goren almost smiled, and swiped absently at his eyes with his free hand. "I do now."

_FINI_

_Is that better, gang? ;-)))_

post-fic A/N: Ah, hell, I cried while I was writing this. I guess I'm a Friendshipper. ;-))


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